Isn’t it fascinating how one moment can fundamentally change you and the entire course of your life?

I grew up in a Christian home. My parents took me to church every week and read to me stories from the Bible and other Christian literature. However, as a child and teenager I had little personal interest in religious topics, but I did appreciate a good story. Who doesn’t, right?

Although I did believe in God, it was a theoretical and cultural kind of belief. I believe Mars is the fourth planet in our solar system and has two asteroid moons; I believe the atomic number of oxygen is 8—but these facts hardly affect me and my everyday life. This was the kind of faith that I had as a child.

A relative of mine promised me my very own laptop on one condition: That I set aside 15 minutes for prayer and Bible study every day. I tried, I really did. I was an avid gamer of Sega’s platform game BUG! and I needed that laptop. I remember being on my knees and saying a short prayer while gazing at the clock. Only a few minutes had passed and I was already bored halfway to death. To cut the story short—I never got that laptop.

Fast-forward to my time in high school. Sometime before Easter break back in 2008, I was hanging out with a friend of mine. He began talking about God and he shared how he had been depressed and found new meaning and inspiration in studying the Bible. “Good for you,” I thought to myself, being quite unimpressed. Then he began talking about prophecies in the Bible. This caught my ear; I’d learned something about prophecies at home and had been fascinated by what I heard. These stories from the future were specific and quite cinematic. And who doesn’t like a good story—right?

“Well, if there is anything I’d care to read about, it would have to be prophecies,” I responded half-heartedly. He proceeded to mention a book recently published on the topic—but he had no recollection of its title. He said it had an orange cover and was written by Ellen G. White, an old lady regarded as a prophet by the Seventh-day Adventist Church. We weren’t able to trace down the book, so the conversation eventually shifted and I soon forgot all about it.

A few days later, I was going home for Easter. My mom was still at work and I was looking forward to a lazy afternoon in front of my computer (by now I’d acquired one with my own very money). As I unlocked the door and entered the apartment, I immediately noticed an orange book lying right in the middle on the living room table. Immediately I remembered the conversation with my friend. It was almost like time stopped for a minute. I went over, picked up the book and began reading the back cover text. I was completely captivated.

The book was a compilation of Ellen G. White’s first visions and prophecies. She was a founder of the Seventh-day Adventist Church in the 1800s and wrote extensively on Christian spirituality and health. She has in fact been named by Smithsonian as one of the 100 most influential Americans of all time, some of her most influential works including The Desire of Ages, The Great Controversy and Steps to Christ.

As I read the contents of this orange book something happened inside me. It felt like I awoke from a coma; it felt like my eyes were opened. I suddenly saw or grasped with my mind a world, a reality, that I never had any idea even existed. As I said, I already had a theoretical faith in a God and a spiritual realm—but these were vague, nebulous ideas to me that I couldn’t relate to in any meaningful or practical way. Now I somehow was made to see how real and tangible it was.

An overwhelming love, a love stronger than anything I’d ever felt, filled me as I kept reading. An absolute peace and calmness filled the place. I felt I was in the presence of something immense, something exceedingly pure, sacred, holy. In the contents of that orange book, I discovered the unmatched beauty in Jesus, the beauty of His love and character. I wanted to be with Him; I was consumed with desire to be like Him. And for the first time, I knelt down and prayed, not for any material gain, but because I wanted to pray. I needed to get in touch with this beautiful Presence. By the time I was done reading and praying it was already midnight. I’d read the entire book in one sitting.

From that day on, I could hardly leave my Bible alone. I craved it; I needed to understand as much as possible. I was baptized, finished high school and went to a Bible school. I later enrolled for a bachelor’s program in theology. My theological studies kindled my interest for philosophy and sociology, as well.

A beacon of hope. This spiritual, religious experience and my personal studies of Scripture became a beacon of hope that sustained me later on. It has been like an anchor that has kept me from drifting too far through the mess of maneuvering my faith, sexuality, and the Church. This spiritual experience was not something I had pursued or sought after in any way. It was in every single way received as a gift and suddenly. Something totally undeserved. This was a lesson that I had to learn and relearn many times—that I do not earn God’s love, acceptance or presence. These are free gifts that are received by faith. Faith is not a feeling; faith is a choice of trusting in God’s promise. Faith is a rational choice, a free-will response to God’s initiative. Faith opens up for the fulfillment, for the realization, the genuine feeling and experience, to come. Faith is not blind or led by fear and superstition, but by reason, conviction and conscience. God reaches out to us individually in ways that He knows best using people and circumstances—how we respond is our free choice.

Considering the ordeal I was about to go through later in my early twenties, I am not sure that I’d make it without this personal revelation of God’s presence in my life.

A realization of one’s own lack and inadequacy is an immediate and natural result of God’s love revelation. This realization is the conviction of sin. As soon as I was aware of God, I was immediately made aware of my own personal inadequacy. However, I was not at made to feel worthless, unloved, fearful or oppressed with guilt and shame. I was rather shown God’s immense goodness, how loved I was despite my ignorance and sinfulness. This led me to realize my own lack of love toward others. Realizing the immensity of God’s love toward me made me see the disappearing smallness of my love. And as my desperate need became an obvious fact, shame could not survive for long because God’s love stood there ready to immediately and abundantly supply my need with affirming forgiveness and a new start. All I had to do was accept it and believe it. Accepting God’s love is trusting ourselves to God’s care and letting go of our own pride and ego. It is returning to a childlike rest and self-forgetfulness; it is becoming like a child again. This is not fully accomplished in one moment, but the repeated lesson of a lifetime.

Considering the ordeal I was about to go through later in my early twenties, I am not sure I’d make it without this personal experience of God’s presence in my life. In another post, I’ll be sharing a different kind of experience that is way too real for many LGBTQ+ young people growing up in religious communities. Despite the years of pain and struggle that I later passed through, I can in hindsight say that I am thankful for the important lessons I’ve learned so far.

And the story continues.

This is my testimony. What is yours? Feel free to share in the comment section below!